Sunday, 29 April 2012
“Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.”
I could find no wiser words. Over the last month there has been tension between me and my music man, and it has caused us both stress and pain. In a sense more so I because for so many days I allowed my insecurities convince me that us having a disagreement meant that he would walk away, he would end this journey we are on. This really is of no credit to him.
I learn daily though by small gestures and twists and turns that I am indeed able to bounce ideas off of him, disagree and converse and not have it be the end of the world.
Of course I want more from this relationship it is hard not to be able to be with him, but the thing that I am finding fascinating is watching myself grow into this somewhat learning type person comfortable with not being right all the time.
Learning to work things out as an adult instead of walking away, or alternatively taking time to pursue my own interests when I need or want to.
I am finding the time we do spend together shorter these days because we have both been busy and thus even more precious to me than ever before.
I am also writing more, not just about important things, but silly things like my thoughts and feelings - okay not so silly but in the larger universal scheme not as important as other things I have been writing about.
I am finding myself more concerned with my health than ever before, mainly because I have never felt this tired and ill.
Tonight I took my iron pill far too late and ended up with the worst crash I have ever felt before. I lay on my couch for close to an hour just shaking trying to sleep until it ended. It is my hope that with continued use of these pills and proper diet and exercise my condition will get better, but as the doctors cannot find anything wrong with me other than my anaemia I am uncertain.
Do you remember that girl I told you about in past letters Buddha? The one who has constantly tried to make my life just slightly miserable? Well I have found that her power of me is now all but non-existent. This is a nice feeling, to know within the deepest parts of my heart her silliness, petty jealousy and outright cruelty to the music man's feelings harbours nothing but disgust from both of us.
I have learned my lesson; love is not just about trust but also and maybe more importantly faith. I will not say I am cured of my fears or insecurities, but I am damned sure not going to let anyone else undermine my feelings again. This time I will put my head up my best foot forward and be a complete head over heels in love cheese ball while I am at it.
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.
Dear Buddha how true this is. Over my last weekend I spent a great deal of time defending my relationship and far too much time allowing my insecurities to show which is greatly unfair to the partner.
Many times this weekend I have heard the words "I just think you deserve better" which in my mind translated to "I do not think he loves you" or "he cannot love you" which is ridiculous. Because I know that this man cares for me. I am unsure if he does really love me, but this is because it has been such a short period of time. I would not blame him for questions or concerns, I am trying to think rational about this to keep my expectations low.
I am afraid to expect too much of anyone, let alone a man I am consistently and constantly falling for on a daily basis. I am afraid not because of anything he has or has not done, it is because of my own fears, my own insecurities of relationships and friendships past.
I am projecting this onto a man I claim to love, and for the most part he is really unaware of it, because I do not share these fears with him. I am uncertain of how fair that is.
In speaking with a mutual friend of ours last day I realized that what I am doing to this man is awful, and manipulative and not at all representative of the woman that I claim I want to be. This is not the kind of partner that I want to be.
At the same time though I sometimes feel like talking to him is as conducive to talking to a brick wall which lets face it, is pretty much like talking to most straight men.
Ah well thats the drama for this week. Thanks for listening Buddha.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Tuesday, 17 April 2012
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned
I understand that anger is like a sickness, it is why I was so susceptible to becoming an alcoholic. The disease in me feeds on my anger. It taunts me with the desire to loose myself in a sweet alcohol hazed oblivion.
There are days when it is so tempting to throw away all of the hard work I have done, to let the anger and the darkness simply consume me and let everything I know I deserve come at me all at once.
I pride myself on not asking much from those around me but instead giving them all I have. Yet I find that the more I give the more they take the less I want to be there.
For instance, take my mother. Yes, even I have mother issues. I love her desperately she really is an inspiration to me. She has worked hard to provide for her children and in return I have watched her beaten, raped and abused for her efforts. She overcame all of that to work hard to help those around her survive the same situations.
Yet in my heart I know that really the one person she cares about now is herself. She spends hundreds of dollars on clothing, on perfume and make up so she looks good, and on the outside everyone she comes across sees her as this beautiful wonderful saint. What they do not see, even members of my own family, is the manipulative woman beneath the veneer.
Every time I go to a store, or anywhere really, people tell me that they know my mother, they tell me how wonderful she is. I hear "She's a good lady" on an almost daily basis. What I don't hear is, "gee I'm sorry your mother is an evil twisted bitch who sat back and did nothing when you were raped, or molested, or beaten and had your hair set on fire" what I don't ever hear is "how do you handle living with someone who cares more about her looks to the outside world then she does her daughter"
On the outside it really does appear that she cares about helping the outside world, but when I look at her all I see is a bitter, cranky manipulative mother that is more interested in her tiny corner of the world then she is me.
For instance, several years ago I bought a puppy, this particular dog loved to jump out side car windows which is why we always kept the car windows up.
One day a friend of mothers was driving the puppy home to me, because mother decided she did not want to walk the dog home, the puppy saw mother on the side walk and jumped out of the open window in the middle of high traffic. The dog was instantly killed and I swore I did not want another dog.
The men and women that we work with however got together to get us a new dog, and against my better judgement I fell in love with this dog and still have him today. The issue however is that because he was given to us by the people we work with, often I would let people who come to meals play with or walk the dog. I decided he would be the neighbourhood pet, huge mistake.
The people I trusted to protect this animal, to love him abused this dog, and several times without my knowing it he was beaten badly. So I decided then and there they would have no contact with this dog, for his protection. I would not allow him to be harmed by other humans ever again.
Too little too late however, as it is my dog does not like strangers and he does not react well if I am not there to control him.
This weekend I am supposed to go on a trip with my two best friends, she has waited until now to tell me that if I am unwilling to put him in a kennel she will not give me the money that I earned for the trip.
Not because she is worried about my dog being at home alone while she is gone, because I have taken care of that. No, because she is afraid of letting people into the house.
This week my mother is in a rehab clinic, as I said she is in a wheel chair, Thursday is the only day she will not be home. Both Friday and Saturday she will be. One would assume it is too hard for her to walk the dog, it isn't, she is afraid of letting someone into the house while we are not here on Thursday. Forget the fact that this person is someone we know exceptionally well, and trust with our lives as well as my dog.
This is shear laziness on her part she does not want to have to get up off her ass and walk the dog.
The truth is she is a lot less helpless then she lets on. She doesn't need as much help as she pretends. For fuck sakes the woman won't reach for a piece of paper without asking for help, but of course only I see this side of her.
The sad truth is my mother nor respects nor trusts me in any way shape or form.
I see the look in her eye when someone compliments me, or when someone congratulates me. I see the roll of her eyes when I come up with an idea, a good idea and she is annoyed she did not think of it first.
I remember being sixteen and hearing her tell my brother that there was something "wrong" with my brain, that I was retarded. She equates my ADHD with retardation.
The truth is she is right about that, my brain does not work correctly, it works at such a high speed that I tend to forget things moments after they have happened. This goes far beyond just forgetting where I have put my keys or my lighter. This goes to conversations, events. I cannot always remember things I have said or done without help. I legitimately do black out during times of high stress or emotion. To her this is called retardation. The doctors however tell me I need to relax. To meditate and learn to calm myself, that the black outs will stop if I learn to just control my temper.
I sometimes think that if I were to win the lottery she would never see me again, the more I think about this the more I know this is a very real possibility.
If I could I would buy her a house, a nurse and I would walk away and be gone. Some of you may think this is awful of me. Consider the fact that my brother moved out at eighteen and didn't say anything to her about it for a month. I had to be the one to tell her. Clearly I am not far off the mark, I just wish I had been the one to do it first.
I did try at one point, well into her illness to leave, as it turned out I ended up having to move home due to circumstances out of my control - those being my room-mate being the crap out of his girlfriend.
The more I look at my future as much as I know what I want, the more I realize it will always be this. Always be me in her shadow, taking care of her, protecting her, doing everything she says because she holds not only the purse strings, but the control.
Abuse comes in many forms my dear friends.
The saddest thing about this is that some people think that the man I love is controlling, when the truth is he is my freedom in more ways then he knows. He is my prince charming and she is my evil queen.
She keeps me locked in the tower and any attempt at escape is futile, I pray that the Universe will see this and work in my favor, that the Gods above will know that as much as I love her, I cannot be her care taker forever. I am trying desperately to escape and every time I get a little close to doing that she finds some way, to make it impossible for me to survive.
This woman is has turned me into the stereo typical spoiled brat. Often in my growing up years when she didn't like my behaviour, she would see a doctor and they would shove pills down my throat. Usually sleeping pills, or "behaviour modifiers" like Dexedrine, or Ritalin. I have been on every possible behaviour modifier there was when I was a child. In return for her treatment of me I would receive a gift be it money or a new outfit or a hair cut.
I spent three weeks in a mental hospital because someone convinced her I was mentally unstable. At the end of the three weeks, a doctor looked at me and told me they wanted me to stay longer because they had not had time to really get to know me. In the time I had been in that hospital, complete with automatic lock doors and steel beds I had never met this woman. In fact at the end of the three weeks I had yet to meet any of the six doctors in that room. I walked out. I was thirteen.
This haunts me to this day and she cannot comprehend why. Why listening to the screams of truly insane children haunts me to this day. Why remembering what it was like to be housed with child predators still haunts me, and I do mean, children who preyed on other children.
I have no pictures of my childhood, I have either burned or destroyed them all in one way or another, the few I have remind me of the abusive man I grew up with, and those are locked away, I don't even know where.
I love my mother...the more I say this, the more I believe it, but it does not make it true. Believing something does not make it true. Mind you I realize now, you can love someone as much as you hate how they treat you.
My mother is a great person, to everyone else. She is my albatross. My broken star. She is shattered on the inside, broken and rotten, and until the day she dies I do not think I will ever be free of the chains to which she has bred me to bare. And at that point, when I am finally on my own I have to ask myself what the hell I will do then.
When I am free of her chains, and I no longer have to take care of this person who could care less about me, what will I do then?
Sunday, 15 April 2012
"To share happiness. And to have done something good. Before leaving this life is sweet."Buddha
Dear Buddha I whole heartedly agree. This blog is in part dedicated to the man I love but it is also dedicated to myself, to learning who I really am behind the face I show to the world. It is my hope that by writing this blog I will continue to celebrate the new love I have found, and share it with you but also celebrate my personal growth.
So let us begin with how we met, I flipped on an online radio station and heard his voice, I knew the moment I heard it he was it. The one. The forever after all.
In recent days and weeks we had some growing pains but I feel like we are on track now, we are setting up boundaries and making sure that we each follow them – for instance three days a week we both have free, and they happen for the most part to be the same evenings. So Friday and Saturday he works and on Friday I have my meetings, Sunday he does his show. Monday Tuesday we have free together, after my Tuesday meeting, Wednesday he does his show but we have time to chat back and forth, Thursday we have free together. So there really is plenty of time to spend together in the week but also live our lives and enjoy our separate interests.
Since I met him I have found that I have to re-learn the social norms of an adult relationship. It is new for me, this communication and trust thing. Trust someone you see every day in person is one thing but putting your fears aside and trusting someone who you cannot always look in the eyes is a very different kind of trust.
The more we put the drama, the stress and the fears behind us, the more I begin to see the road ahead, what I hope will happen, or think could happen.
I really am trying not to have too many expectations, because expectations destroy everything in the universe. There cannot be a plan of any sort really; it has to be one of those things that just happens as we go. This is the most nerve wracking part, because whatever the universe throws at us, and it could be anything, is something we need to deal with, as it comes, there is no planning for it. No knowing what could happen to either of us in the long run.
This frightens me, I am really trying hard to be the best girlfriend I can be, but the truth is I have had exactly one live in boyfriend in my life time, I do not really know how to do the dating thing or the girlfriend thing well.
I have to remind myself there is no reason to be jealous of any girl, he has shown me several times that I am the only one he wants, now that the drama is behind us, now that everyone we know online understands we are together. The more I learn about him the more I have to smile, sometimes he can be really subtle about showing me his feelings and other times he will outright “claim” me as his. Both approaches work for me.
Some might call it cavemen like in its behavior, but really it’s a reaffirmation of what we both believe, we will be together. There were like I have said, hiccups, miscommunications and hurt feelings, but I look at only a few days ago to today, where we both know exactly where we stand and what we want and I smile.
I smile because many people who care about me who know every detail told me to walk away to call it quits before it really starts to hurt and I kept saying no because I did not want to regret anything. If we are going to do this, try to be together and make it real then it has to BE real, we must communicate, we must work on the problems rather than walking away at the first opportunity.
For the first time in my life I really am trying to take responsibility for my actions for things I have said and done that hurt him in order to be not only a better person but a happier person. I don’t know if he knows how much he means to me, or how much I am willing to fight for this to work.
I feel like if I just give up and walk away I am making the same mistakes I made in my addiction and I never want to go back to that, ever again.
We have a lot of differences him and me but we also have some similarities. We think a lot alike, though sometimes I have problems either voicing my thoughts or taking the time to listen to the thoughts of others. Sometimes it takes me awhile to compress what I think and figure it all out, which can sometimes get me into trouble.
While we live in different countries we are not that far apart, he is a geek and I….well I don’t really know who this version of me will turn out to be, but I am excited to find out.
This week alone I have gone through some changes, I have been spending more time at home focusing on myself, for a while. That actually sounds less selfish then it is. Really what I have been doing is focusing on things that make me happy, in my real life I spend a lot of time taking care of those around me helping many people because I love to do it. But the last week or so has really been about “me” about meditating, relaxing, getting my hair and nails done, silly little things like cleaning my house, hanging out with my dog. Things that I feel are vital, absolutely vital to the security of my soul. And I have to say it feels amazing.
For the first time in my life I am really and truly taking a look at the person I am and the person I want to be.
For most of November to March I worked in a homeless shelter *as I have done the past six years* and although I loved it I really did not take time for myself, I didn’t go to meetings, or check in with my sponsor, I did not even touch my steps.
In this week I have made it to two meetings, fellowship with my support group and friends as well as checked in with my sponsor half a dozen times. I am proud of this not because it makes me special but because even without an excuse it is just generally hard for me to reach out for help when I need it.
I have also witnessed two people in my support group sliding dangerously back into their addiction, a year ago even six months ago this would have pushed me back as well, today I know however my job is to pray for them and be there when they answer the phone. To keep them accountable to their truth but only so long as they are willing to take my suggestions, I cannot live sobriety for them only for myself but I can guide them.
This is my 29th year on this earth and it is my hope that I can open the door to a new future for myself, this begins with this blog, but also with a new job, a new boyfriend and a new great of amazing friends. So I hope you enjoy travelling with me.