Saturday, 5 May 2012
“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?”
I got this quote off another website, and upon reading the article, which said I should cut all ties with my now ex music man, I must respectfully dissagree.
Tonight we had probably the most mature, respectful conversation since we've known each other.
We went from knowing each other to I love you, to crazy chaos in such a short few weeks that tonight when we talked we both realized that neither of us had taken time to really get to know each other as separate people before we jumped into a relationship.
I think finally we are both at a place where we realize as much as we care for each other, we need to take time for ourselves first, and each other second.
Many people who read this may disagree, but I have learned through this short but interesting journey with the music man, that I put a lot of my issues, my fears and my hopes on him. My expectations of him were entirely unrealistic, and vice versa with him.
The both of us realized tonight that while equally lonely and equally afraid of being alone we jumped at the chance to be with someone, before we took the time we needed to see who that other person was. That does not I sincerely believe, devalue our feelings but instead make them all the more important.
In three short months he will be here for seven full days. For seven full days I will have the music man, we will get to know each other in person. Without all of the drama and miscommunication of on-line chatting. We will spend honest to goodness time with each other, getting to know each other.
I have no expectations. I hope that we are both able to figure things out, that I can deal with the fears I hold inside, let go of the reservations I need to in order to eventually be in a healthy relationship. I called my sponsor, and he and I have plans tomorrow to work on these fears and these reservations.
I know that one conversation isn't going to fix everything, but perhaps he has some tools I can utilize in letting go of the past.
A friend of mine once told me "not every man is going to hit you" he knew my entire experience. He knew my father had hit me, and the men I had slept with in the past either echoed that, or simply used me for sex.
The music man is the first honest to goodness man I have ever met and dated, and for his efforts he was given a bag-o-crazy.
I am not saying he is perfect, we know Buddha he has his own share of crazy and has made his mistakes to.
I am saying however that in order to have a healthy relationship I have to understand myself more clearly then I have in the past. I can look back over the map of twenty-odd years and see where certain things shaped the person I am today.
I used to think I was happy with that person, that I could accept being alone...that eventually my prince would come. As a good friend pointed out recently however I don't have the opportunity to meet many men. I don't go out to bars, and even when a man does come my way I tend to excuse myself as quickly as I can.
This comes from, as I told the music man, an unadulterated fear of men, even though I know there are good men out there. Really truly wonderful men, my fears are about me, not about them.
I know that learning to trust again must now be my focus. For the last 18 months it really has been on not drinking, rather then changing my behaviours and past attitude towards men and to myself.
Instead I have simply put up a wall between myself and them, I have a male sponsor but I have yet to disclose all my secrets to him, even though I have known him the better part of a year. I chose him because I knew he was safe and unlike female sponsors I've had in the past he's actually stuck around. I have not however allowed myself to fully trust him.
This will change tomorrow. Today is the day I am reclaiming myself working on myself and letting go...as for the future? No more worries. No more stress, just new found acceptance.
Friday, 4 May 2012
“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”
-John Allen Paulos
The music man and I broke it off...or rather he broke it off and I have accepted it. I hate that I must accept his decision but he was right entirely to do so. I asked him why when he was calling me out on my shit, *as he should have* he did not defend me. The truth is he defends me all the time, he is far kinder then I give him credit for. I could go on for days about his good attributes.
The irony is many a friend of both of ours, *with the exception of our one mutual friend* told me during this relationship that I deserved better, and yet when we broke up and they all saw how much it hurt how much pain I was in, their tune changed to "maybe he will take you back" I know he won't. Not right now at least. Perhaps one day.
I have a lot of things to work on, many of which I thought, I was genuinely convinced I had gotten over. You see Buddha I can look back now and see how badly I treated him. How I took everything he would say to me and twist it to make it fit my argument.
I thought that by waiting to get into a relationship I was doing the right thing, working on myself, but to be fair *to me* it has been five years, how am I supposed to remember how to deal with a man? of course I am not to remember what it is like to be in a relationship, but that does not excuse my pushing my fears and resentments on him.
We both agree that perhaps one day in the future if we are both single perhaps we will try again, I hope so because I do love him, but loving him also means letting him go and working on the things that I need to, in order to be truly mentally healthy.
The feelings I have for the music man have not gone away obviously and I hope they do not. He has his flaws, no man is perfect but I have trouble seeing myself with anyone else. A time before him does not exist in my mind, when I know that I must look back in order to fix things so I can be with him again.
That sounds obsessive does it not? Perhaps it is, I do not mean for it to be. I mean that I love this man, and I still want one day to be with him, but in order to do that I must dig back into my memory and find the twisted parts, I must untwist them. Not only for him either, but for myself, or I will never be happy.
I know I have issues, everyone does, but he told me yesterday that my bad days are really really bad, and he was right. He is the first person other then me to have ever noticed that. When I allow myself to sink into the darkness, I do so swinging and I take everyone with me. It is truly abusive and cruel behaviour.
The fact that he notices more then I think he does, proves in my mind I was at least loveable enough for that, that he noticed. That matters, I never really told him that.
I also told him the time we spent together was not enough, it wasn't I should make clear that he did not try, it was that it's hard enough to love someone your only just getting to know, distance just makes it harder.
When I think about all the beautiful women he is surrounded with in his town I often wonder why me, why did I get so lucky, when in reality it should have been "Why not me?" I love him and I hope things work out, I hope that I am able to fix the things within myself that make me untouchable, breakable again I say not just for him...but also for myself, mainly and most importantly for myself.
I'll keep writing Buddha, I cannot afford not to.