Friday, 4 May 2012
“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.”
-John Allen Paulos
The music man and I broke it off...or rather he broke it off and I have accepted it. I hate that I must accept his decision but he was right entirely to do so. I asked him why when he was calling me out on my shit, *as he should have* he did not defend me. The truth is he defends me all the time, he is far kinder then I give him credit for. I could go on for days about his good attributes.
The irony is many a friend of both of ours, *with the exception of our one mutual friend* told me during this relationship that I deserved better, and yet when we broke up and they all saw how much it hurt how much pain I was in, their tune changed to "maybe he will take you back" I know he won't. Not right now at least. Perhaps one day.
I have a lot of things to work on, many of which I thought, I was genuinely convinced I had gotten over. You see Buddha I can look back now and see how badly I treated him. How I took everything he would say to me and twist it to make it fit my argument.
I thought that by waiting to get into a relationship I was doing the right thing, working on myself, but to be fair *to me* it has been five years, how am I supposed to remember how to deal with a man? of course I am not to remember what it is like to be in a relationship, but that does not excuse my pushing my fears and resentments on him.
We both agree that perhaps one day in the future if we are both single perhaps we will try again, I hope so because I do love him, but loving him also means letting him go and working on the things that I need to, in order to be truly mentally healthy.
The feelings I have for the music man have not gone away obviously and I hope they do not. He has his flaws, no man is perfect but I have trouble seeing myself with anyone else. A time before him does not exist in my mind, when I know that I must look back in order to fix things so I can be with him again.
That sounds obsessive does it not? Perhaps it is, I do not mean for it to be. I mean that I love this man, and I still want one day to be with him, but in order to do that I must dig back into my memory and find the twisted parts, I must untwist them. Not only for him either, but for myself, or I will never be happy.
I know I have issues, everyone does, but he told me yesterday that my bad days are really really bad, and he was right. He is the first person other then me to have ever noticed that. When I allow myself to sink into the darkness, I do so swinging and I take everyone with me. It is truly abusive and cruel behaviour.
The fact that he notices more then I think he does, proves in my mind I was at least loveable enough for that, that he noticed. That matters, I never really told him that.
I also told him the time we spent together was not enough, it wasn't I should make clear that he did not try, it was that it's hard enough to love someone your only just getting to know, distance just makes it harder.
When I think about all the beautiful women he is surrounded with in his town I often wonder why me, why did I get so lucky, when in reality it should have been "Why not me?" I love him and I hope things work out, I hope that I am able to fix the things within myself that make me untouchable, breakable again I say not just for him...but also for myself, mainly and most importantly for myself.
I'll keep writing Buddha, I cannot afford not to.